10 Ways 38 is Just Like 18

"The more things change, the more things stay the same." According to the internet, this saying is a translation from a line written by the French author Jean Baptiste Alphonse Karr. It is also a Bon Jovi song.  If Bon Jovi sings about it, it MUST be true.

Here are a few examples of that truth for me:

At 38 I still have acne, more than I had as a teenager. I call total B.S. on this.

In high school, I declared the 3 worst things to shop for were swimsuits, jeans, and formal dresses. This still holds true today. Nothing has changed, except the latitude and longitude of certain body parts.

Eyebrows are still an issue. At 18, I was hesitant to pluck my brows, for fear of going overboard.  I cleaned up the area under the brow a tiny bit.  Now, I pluck stray eyebrow hair, while other sections of my eyebrows seem to be thinning. Oh and don't forget the random white hairs springing up in my brows. What is up with that??

18 year old me and 38 year old me still think I look weird wearing lip stick.

I naively thought PMS would somehow ease up when I got older.  WRONG.

I still have a curfew, and it is still 11:00 pm.  At 38 my parents don't yell at me if I miss curfew, my body does.

Hanging out with my BFF still gets me in trouble on the weekends, only now, it is because I am up way past curfew (see above) talking to her on the phone, instead of staying out late cruising.

I still get homesick.

At 18, making new friends on my college campus was very intimidating.  I can say the same at 38 of the neighborhood playground.

Instead of raiding my Dad's jar of change for money to tip the pizza guy,  I raid my kid's piggy bank.



Time is a crazy thing, isn't it?  I still feel 18, well except for the days after I am up too late..then I feel every bit of 38...

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Parenting Truth (installment #2): A visual

stoplickingthetable.blogspot.com

 

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Parenting Truths (installment #1)

This will be an on-going series.  More to come...

On the day you wear dry-clean only pants to work, your baby will spit up on them as you leave the house.

There will ALWAYS be a sock missing it's mate .

The night before an important presentation at work, your baby will wake up 3 times after sleeping through the night for 4 months.

You will go on a road trip that includes vomiting and/or a leaky diaper and a soaked car seat.

You will teach your kids not to pick their noses, but you will stick your fingernail up their nose without a second thought.

Your kid will get sick requiring a trip to the pediatrician's within 1-2 weeks of his or her regularly scheduled well-check visit.

Your toddler will hurt your feelings.

Your toddler will physically hurt you. Have you taken a head-butt to the nose, eyebrow, or mouth from a 2 year old?  You will.

You will lie to your kids.  "The factory that makes cotton candy had to close so all of the workers could take a vacation."  An innocent untruth, yes, but a lie is a lie my friend.

There will be a day when everyone eats cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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"Real Life" College Courses for Parents

May 1999: College Graduation with my Dad

In three months I will make my FINAL student loan payment, the FINAL payment! I graduated college in 1999. I majored in Geology, which is rather interesting, but does not apply one iota to my daily life.  I started thinking about the courses that would have prepared me for my life now, classes that would be worth paying off for fifteen years.  I am pretty sure you won't find any of these offered in a university catalog.

Culinary Arts:

One Handed Meal Prep I: Master the techniques of preparing a meal while balancing a child, 5lbs - 30lbs on one hip. This includes lid removal, package opening, beverage pouring, pasta draining and pancake flipping.

One Handed Meal Prep II: Building upon the skills learned in 101, we add a toddler clinging to your leg in addition to auditory distractions such as crying, whining, yelling, and barking dogs.

Forensics:

Stain Identification: What is it and how did it get there?

Under the Couch Cushion and Vehicle Seat Archeology: How to accurately piece together a historical timeline by examining the remains of Cheerios, Goldfish crackers and discarded sucker sticks.

Economics:
The Reality of Paying for Childcare I: Learn how to pay for childcare and still put aside funds to allow you to get your hair cut and colored every six months.  Additionally, learn calming breathing techniques to employ as you make that weekly payment and/or review your monthly bank statement.

The Reality of Paying for Childcare II: This course is meant for those with more than one child in a daycare setting.  You will learn how to cope with making the equivalent of a second mortgage payment each month. We also teach manicure and pedicure techniques, as we are aware those enrolled in this course will never be able to afford a professional mani/pedi again.

Fine Art:
Artwork Identification: Is that an aardvark or a self-portrait? How to identify the subject of your child's latest masterpiece without hurting his or her feelings, and at the same time, displaying the correct enthusiastic reaction.

Biology:
The Animal Kingdom and the Child's Mind: In this course we offer suggestions and creative techniques to answer questions such as: Where does a fish go potty? Do elephants laugh? What if a raccoon rings our doorbell?  and Where is (insert your pet's name) mommy right now?

Health and Wellness:
Foreign Object Identification vs. Child Orifice Size: We review commonly placed objects in the nostrils, ears, and mouths of children, what circumstances call for a home removal, and when to seek professional medical help.

The Character Band Aid: How one cartoon character printed adhesive bandage is a miracle cure-all for bruises, scrapes, bug bites, and boo boos that are invisible to the parent's naked eye.

Crisis Management:
How to Remain Calm When Your Child is Bleeding: This course also covers how to remain calm when you are the one that caused the injury.

The One Wipe Left: What happens when you are in the middle of changing a dirty diaper and there is only one wipe left in the package? Learn how to fold and refold one wipe to maximize its effectiveness.  You will also learn how to assess your surroundings to determine what other objects/materials in the vicinity can be used in place of a diaper wipe.

Conflict Resolution:
The Toddler Years I: "I want squares. No, I want triangles. I WANTED SQUAAAAARES!" How to deal with a toddler's extreme reactions to incorrectly cutting sandwiches, choosing the scratchy pants, denying snacks, parental singing aloud and general "You're doing it wrong!" scenarios.

The Toddler Years II: The Bedtime Routine. This advanced course meets as a support group where parents can offer suggestions, solutions, and sympathy. We discuss the complex challenges of potty time, bath time, teeth brushing, pajama selection, story selection, tucking into bed, and most importantly, remaining in bed.  All registrants must be at least 21 years of age due to many classes being held off site at local adult beverage establishments.

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5 Things I Never Thought I Would Become as a Parent

1. Sick...all of the time
The first year that my daughter was in daycare she got sick a lot.  Everyone said "With all of those immunities she is building up, she will never miss a day of Kindergarten." (P.S. That isn't really reassuring when you are a first time mom and have a sick baby). I hope it really is true, but what about me?  My husband and I got every sniffle, every cough, and every stomach bug that she brought home. No one prepared me for the fact that WE would get sick. Someone in our house was sick, I swear, for 8 months straight. To top it off, I had to use all of my sick time as part of my maternity leave. It was so stressful!

2. Injured by my own baby
Have you ever taken a board book to the brow bone? It does not feel good.  Picture this: Cuddling in bed early one Saturday morning with your sweet baby. You are reading Goodnight Moon because it was still on your nightstand from the previous evening, and it is just so precious because baby wants to hold the book too. "Goodnight kittens, and goodnight mitt..."  Out of nowhere, that baby has Herculean strength and that chubby little hand slams the book into your eye.  You are temporarily blinded and try not to cry. The baby laughs.  I have also been the victim of head butts and razor sharp baby fingernails to the face. I will spare you the details of a biting incident that occurred while nursing my son when he was 9 months old and teething. Let's just say that it involved a lot of cursing, ice packs, and a trip to the lactation specialist.

4. Owner of a hole-filled wardrobe

I knew there would be spit-up stains. I didn't expect the holes. In ALL of my clothes. For the sake of this post, I surveyed my closet. I have 16 shirts hanging with holes in them. The holes are all in the same spot, where the button of my pants rubs my shirt. It has to be from carrying around a baby/toddler/pre-schooler in my arms. I am too stubborn (cheap?) to throw them all out.  I have also worn holes in the left knees of my two favorite pairs of jeans due to the constant up and down from the floor. I like to imagine that when someone sees me out in public they think "Oh, she must be in the middle of some home improvement project." That is what I look like, someone running out to Lowe's to buy more paint.

3. Fairy Tale editor
Here is just one example: Have you read the Pied Piper of Hamlin as an adult? It is should be narrated by Chris Hansen on an episode of "To Catch a Predator".  If you haven't read it lately, here is the gist: The Pied Piper gets cheated by a crooked town official. To get his revenge, he lures all of the town's children out of their homes with his hypnotic flute and STEALS them. He takes them away to a mountain and the town's people NEVER see their kids again.  I do not remember the mass kidnapping aspect of that story.  I thought he just rid the town of rats.  (Perhaps my parents omitted the end when it was read to me.)  When I read it to my daughter, the kids go on a hike and meet their parents at the mountain.

5. Just...gross
My personal hygiene standards have been lowered and I don't know how it happened.  Showering on BOTH days of the weekend is a thing of the past. It just doesn't take place. Do you want to know a way to spot a new mom? She is hairy. Check out her eyebrows, and her legs. Eyebrow maintenance gets put on the back burner. There are stray hairs growing where it used to be plucked clean.  Legs go unshaven in the summer longer than her former self would have ever let them, but she still wears shorts. I had an excuse when my son was a newborn, and I was insanely tired, but he is now one. Teeth brushing?  It still happens. Most days.

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