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| May 1999: College Graduation with my Dad |
In three months I will make my FINAL student loan payment, the FINAL payment! I graduated college in 1999. I majored in Geology, which is rather interesting, but does not apply one iota to my daily life. I started thinking about the courses that would have prepared me for my life now, classes that would be worth paying off for fifteen years. I am pretty sure you won't find any of these offered in a university catalog.
Culinary Arts:
One Handed Meal Prep I: Master the techniques of preparing a meal while balancing a child, 5lbs - 30lbs on one hip. This includes lid removal, package opening, beverage pouring, pasta draining and pancake flipping.
One Handed Meal Prep II: Building upon the skills learned in 101, we add a toddler clinging to your leg in addition to auditory distractions such as crying, whining, yelling, and barking dogs.
Forensics:
Stain Identification: What is it and how did it get there?
Under the Couch Cushion and Vehicle Seat Archeology: How to accurately piece together a historical timeline by examining the remains of Cheerios, Goldfish crackers and discarded sucker sticks.
Economics:
The Reality of Paying for Childcare I: Learn how to pay for childcare and still put aside funds to allow you to get your hair cut and colored every six months. Additionally, learn calming breathing techniques to employ as you make that weekly payment and/or review your monthly bank statement.
The Reality of Paying for Childcare II: This course is meant for those with more than one child in a daycare setting. You will learn how to cope with making the equivalent of a second mortgage payment each month. We also teach manicure and pedicure techniques, as we are aware those enrolled in this course will never be able to afford a professional mani/pedi again.
Fine Art:
Artwork Identification: Is that an aardvark or a self-portrait? How to identify the subject of your child's latest masterpiece without hurting his or her feelings, and at the same time, displaying the correct enthusiastic reaction.
Biology:
The Animal Kingdom and the Child's Mind: In this course we offer suggestions and creative techniques to answer questions such as: Where does a fish go potty? Do elephants laugh? What if a raccoon rings our doorbell? and Where is (insert your pet's name) mommy right now?
Health and Wellness:
Foreign Object Identification vs. Child Orifice Size: We review commonly placed objects in the nostrils, ears, and mouths of children, what circumstances call for a home removal, and when to seek professional medical help.
The Character Band Aid: How one cartoon character printed adhesive bandage is a miracle cure-all for bruises, scrapes, bug bites, and boo boos that are invisible to the parent's naked eye.
Crisis Management:
How to Remain Calm When Your Child is Bleeding: This course also covers how to remain calm when you are the one that caused the injury.
The One Wipe Left: What happens when you are in the middle of changing a dirty diaper and there is only one wipe left in the package? Learn how to fold and refold one wipe to maximize its effectiveness. You will also learn how to assess your surroundings to determine what other objects/materials in the vicinity can be used in place of a diaper wipe.
Conflict Resolution:
The Toddler Years I: "I want squares. No, I want triangles. I WANTED SQUAAAAARES!" How to deal with a toddler's extreme reactions to incorrectly cutting sandwiches, choosing the scratchy pants, denying snacks, parental singing aloud and general "You're doing it wrong!" scenarios.
The Toddler Years II: The Bedtime Routine. This advanced course meets as a support group where parents can offer suggestions, solutions, and sympathy. We discuss the complex challenges of potty time, bath time, teeth brushing, pajama selection, story selection, tucking into bed, and most importantly, remaining in bed. All registrants must be at least 21 years of age due to many classes being held off site at local adult beverage establishments.
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