If Toddlers Wrote Haikus

A bowl of pasta
Must wash my hair with the sauce
Immediately


Mommy's new iPhone
Sinks in the potty water
Mommy shouts bad words


In my open mouth
Doggie's crunchy brown kibble
Mommy's finger gags


My sister's long hair
I yank and pull big handfuls
She cries, I giggle


MINE I say and hit
MINE no one is listening
MINE I shout louder


Spoons are not for me
I will eat only with hands
Spoons will be thrown down


I find the markers
The wall is a blank canvas
Permanent artwork

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The Poopacalypse of 2014

A text I sent my husband today

His reply

Today, I survived the Great Poopacalypse of 2014.

My three year old girl has been struggling with constipation off and on for months now, probably since early Spring.  If anything, it shows me that one character trait this girl has is steadfast determination. She simply will not poop. She will hold it and hold and hold it. Her 'tell' is holding up the seat of her pants. When she start tugging up those pants, I know she needs to go and is fighting it.

"I can tell you need to go potty."
"No I don't, I am just holding up my pants so they don't fall down."

"It is time to sit on the potty. There is poop in there that needs to come out."
"No there is not. My poopy is in Reese's tummy. It hasn't come home to my tummy yet. It's just not in there."

"You need to try to go to the potty."
"MY BOD-YYYYY IS NOT TELLLLLL-LING ME!"
"Well, I am your Mommy and sometimes your body talks to me. It is telling me you need to go."
"No IT isn't!"

"You are getting on this potty. Right. Now." (as I struggle to sit her on the potty and her body goes straight as a board)
"You're tight-ing me up! Let me go! I gotta get out of this place! You are squriming me!"

"Sit on the potty and I will count to ten and we will see if anything comes out."
"I want to count onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten. Noth-thing! Noth-thing!"

"Come on, you are sitting on the potty."
"I I I I I I CAAAAAANNNNN'TTTT!" ( Have you seen Frozen? I blame this one on Elsa.)

"Your job today is to poop. OK? It is a very important job. It is healthy and we want you to be healthy and strong."
"Please stop talking to me. Don't talk about poop anymore."

It goes on and on. Wednesday night I was at my wits end. She was miserable. She gets so mean and irritable and I don't blame her. I would be too. I got desperate and gave her the dreaded "bum medicine" aka glycerin suppository. This took an hour. An hour of begging, pleading, negotiating...from me. I was willing to give her anything. I was armed with the iPad cued up to YouTube, my phone, toe nail polish...promises of Safe-T-Pops, ice cream with M&M's on top, anything she would want.  It was terrible. She cried until she was hoarse.  I was finally able to do it with my husband's assistance. I wanted to cry too. It was horrible and she was mad at me. The kicker, it didn't work.  This isn't the first time this has happened. From talking to the pediatrician's office I knew what we had to do. Clean her out so she starts at zero and it isn't hard for her to go again.  So the next day she got loaded up with Miralax. She didn't go.  She should have been re-enacting the bathroom scene from Dumb and Dumber at this point, but she didn't go.

Today was the Thanksgiving lunch at her school. I was fortunate enough to attend. I get there and she is on the playground, pacing around in circles, tugging at her pants. I looked at her teacher and she shook her head no. We sat down to eat and she could barely sit in her chair. She kept getting up, tugging her pants up, and saying she wanted to go home. I decided to take her home with me. I could tell she was miserable.  I got her home and into a Pull Up.  I tried to get her to take a nap but she was too squirmy and uncomfortable, but still insisted that she didn't need to go.  I left her in her bed hoping she would sleep. Eventually she came running down the hall saying "Something is HAPPENING!" Praise the Lord, the girl pooped. It was a big one. I changed her into a new Pull Up. I knew this was just the beginning.  Twenty minutes later she waddles into my room. "Mommy I poopied AGAIN!" Have you seen a Pull Up reach it's critical threshold of capacity? The side panels were peeling apart as she moved. There was stuff oozing out of it. Solid stuff was on her ankles,  more coming out as she walked.

"TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

I put the one year old into the bath tub where I knew he would be contained. Poop falls on to the ground as she waddles in. She doesn't realize the extent that it is all over her. She looks like she just ran a mud run.  "DO NOT MOVE." She moves of course. I am trying to wipe her legs up and it is on her dress. I get the dress off which smears it up her back. The baby is trying to stand up in the tub - in his socks - so I am wiping her with one hand and trying to grab the baby and make him sit down with the other.  Luckily I had a Target bag stashed under the sink and threw the wipes and the remains of the Pull Up in it. I gave up trying to not get poop on me. It was pointless. I went through a package of wipes. I got her wiped up as much as I can and a new Pull Up on her just in case, and tell her to stay in the bathroom, she is taking a bath.  Now she feels like a new girl, alive, free, full of energy! She runs out of the bathroom before I can catch her and she is jumping on my bed. The baby is now standing in the tub again, and you guessed it, he is loading his diaper. I give up on worrying about fecal matter on my bed. I grab the boy, take off his diaper get him cleaned up, and start the bath.  I manage to corral her and get them both in the tub.  This whole scenario took place in a span of about ten minutes, I was impressed with my speediness.

This evening, I surveyed the aftermath of the Great Poopacalypse of 2014.  Two bathmats, my duvet cover, a blanket that was on the floor of the baby's room (she must have gone in there before she found me), her clothes, and my clothes are all in the process of being washed. The carpet in the bedroom is dotted with pieces of toilet paper to indicate where I sprayed carpet cleaner. I weighed the bag that held the Pull Up - one and a half pounds! I am astonished that it was that much. My poor girl.  I am so relieved that she finally went. 

I feel like I earned a Mommy poop survival merit badge today. I am sure there will be many more badges to add to my collection in days to come. In the meantime, I am going to eat MY ice cream with M&M's on top. I deserve it after the past few days.

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How to Change a One Year Old's Diaper in 35 Easy Steps

Today's NaBloPoMo prompt: Write a "how to" post about anything you've got skills for, small or large.

A Step by Step Guide to Changing a One Year Old's Diaper:

1. Catch baby after chasing him around the couch.
2. Lift baby so his bum is in front of your face.
3. Conduct whiff test to confirm, yes, he pooped.
4. Carry squirming baby to the changing area.
5. Place baby on his back on the changing table.
6. Commence taking off baby's pants as he tries to roll over.
7. Place baby on his back on the changing table, again.
8. Repeat steps 6 and 7
9. Repeat steps 6 and 7
10. Open changing table drawer.
12. Remove clean diaper from drawer.
11. Quickly scan the drawer's contents to find an object to distract the child. (Fingernail clippers, thermometer, diaper cream, lotion, medicine dropper etc.)
12. Hand child the $45.00 temporal thermometer. It beeps. He will like it.
13. Remove child's pants.
14.  Undo tabs of diaper.
15. Assess the size of the poop and mentally calculate the required ratio of wipes to poop.
16. Grab needed wipes from dispenser.
17. Begin wiping baby while he tries to roll over.
18. Get poop on your hand.
19. Grab more wipes, try to quickly wipe poop from your hand.
20. Grab more wipes to remove the poop that is now on baby's heel.
21. Hear the thud as the temporal thermometer hits the ground.
22. Roll up the offensive diaper with one hand, while the other hand holds the baby's feet.
23.  Give the baby the wipes box to play with.
24. Slide the new diaper under the baby and bring baby's legs down.
25. Fasten tabs of new diaper as he tries to roll over.
26. Hear the thud of the wipes box as it hits the ground.
27. The diaper is now securely on the baby.  It is crooked, but on the baby.
28. Commence putting each of the baby's kicking legs into his pants.
29. Baby has now kicked the pants off.
29. Repeat steps 28 and 29.
30. Give up on the pants and carry pants-free baby into the bathroom, while trying not to touch him with your poop hand.
31. Wash baby's poop foot in the sink.
32. Set him down on the floor.
33. Wash your poop hands.
34. Notice your baby's eyebrows are turning red as he is making "the face".
35. Start over, beginning at step 2.

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"Real Life" College Courses for Parents

May 1999: College Graduation with my Dad

In three months I will make my FINAL student loan payment, the FINAL payment! I graduated college in 1999. I majored in Geology, which is rather interesting, but does not apply one iota to my daily life.  I started thinking about the courses that would have prepared me for my life now, classes that would be worth paying off for fifteen years.  I am pretty sure you won't find any of these offered in a university catalog.

Culinary Arts:

One Handed Meal Prep I: Master the techniques of preparing a meal while balancing a child, 5lbs - 30lbs on one hip. This includes lid removal, package opening, beverage pouring, pasta draining and pancake flipping.

One Handed Meal Prep II: Building upon the skills learned in 101, we add a toddler clinging to your leg in addition to auditory distractions such as crying, whining, yelling, and barking dogs.

Forensics:

Stain Identification: What is it and how did it get there?

Under the Couch Cushion and Vehicle Seat Archeology: How to accurately piece together a historical timeline by examining the remains of Cheerios, Goldfish crackers and discarded sucker sticks.

Economics:
The Reality of Paying for Childcare I: Learn how to pay for childcare and still put aside funds to allow you to get your hair cut and colored every six months.  Additionally, learn calming breathing techniques to employ as you make that weekly payment and/or review your monthly bank statement.

The Reality of Paying for Childcare II: This course is meant for those with more than one child in a daycare setting.  You will learn how to cope with making the equivalent of a second mortgage payment each month. We also teach manicure and pedicure techniques, as we are aware those enrolled in this course will never be able to afford a professional mani/pedi again.

Fine Art:
Artwork Identification: Is that an aardvark or a self-portrait? How to identify the subject of your child's latest masterpiece without hurting his or her feelings, and at the same time, displaying the correct enthusiastic reaction.

Biology:
The Animal Kingdom and the Child's Mind: In this course we offer suggestions and creative techniques to answer questions such as: Where does a fish go potty? Do elephants laugh? What if a raccoon rings our doorbell?  and Where is (insert your pet's name) mommy right now?

Health and Wellness:
Foreign Object Identification vs. Child Orifice Size: We review commonly placed objects in the nostrils, ears, and mouths of children, what circumstances call for a home removal, and when to seek professional medical help.

The Character Band Aid: How one cartoon character printed adhesive bandage is a miracle cure-all for bruises, scrapes, bug bites, and boo boos that are invisible to the parent's naked eye.

Crisis Management:
How to Remain Calm When Your Child is Bleeding: This course also covers how to remain calm when you are the one that caused the injury.

The One Wipe Left: What happens when you are in the middle of changing a dirty diaper and there is only one wipe left in the package? Learn how to fold and refold one wipe to maximize its effectiveness.  You will also learn how to assess your surroundings to determine what other objects/materials in the vicinity can be used in place of a diaper wipe.

Conflict Resolution:
The Toddler Years I: "I want squares. No, I want triangles. I WANTED SQUAAAAARES!" How to deal with a toddler's extreme reactions to incorrectly cutting sandwiches, choosing the scratchy pants, denying snacks, parental singing aloud and general "You're doing it wrong!" scenarios.

The Toddler Years II: The Bedtime Routine. This advanced course meets as a support group where parents can offer suggestions, solutions, and sympathy. We discuss the complex challenges of potty time, bath time, teeth brushing, pajama selection, story selection, tucking into bed, and most importantly, remaining in bed.  All registrants must be at least 21 years of age due to many classes being held off site at local adult beverage establishments.

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A Vocabulary Lesson

Our daughter has always been chatty, and seriously has a better grasp of the English language than about fifty percent of the adults that I know. She asks us what things are called and what words mean. We offer explanations and watch the little wheels turn in her head.  She surprises us with what she remembers and her ability to use words in the appropriate context. One Saturday we went out to lunch and ran into her friend from daycare. The girls ran to each other and jumped around and hugged. On the way home our two year old informed us, “I saw Avery at Qdoba and we embraced!”  My husband and I looked at each other, smiled, and shook our heads in disbelief.

Around last Halloween, she started to really get into the princess thing. She was two years and a few months old.  We read Cinderella as her bedtime story for at least nine nights in a row.  She was (and still is) under the Disney princess spell. At that time, my husband did all of the reading at night because I had my hands full nursing my three month old at bedtime. He is a champ when it comes to reading to our kids. He points to each word, acknowledges the author and illustrator, and makes sure to talk about what is going on in the illustrations of the book. There is a picture in her book of Cinderella entering the ball, and in that picture, there is a chandelier. She asked what it was. My husband explained that a fancy light hanging from the ceiling is called a chandelier.  She locked that information away and started calling any hanging light a chandelier.

Halloween night arrived.  I got her dressed in her ducky costume and she was so excited to head out the door. My husband got the video camera out and started recording. It was getting dark, so he turned on the entryway light. I started asking a bunch of questions.

Me: “What day is it? What are you dressed up like?”

Her: “Halloween!! I’m a duck!!”

Me: “What are we going to do?”

Her: “Trick or treat!”

Her: pointing up to the glass light fixture hanging in the entryway: "What's that Daddy?"

He replies: "You know what that is, what is that?"

She says proudly: "A VAGINA!"

Weeeeell, maybe she doesn’t use her words correctly all of the time. The best part, of course, is that we have the whole exchange immortalized forever on video.  

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10 Items to Make The Best 'Coming Home From The Hospital' Gift for Your Pregnant Friend

Forget the baby gear, here is a list of items that your friend will actually need and use when she comes home from the hospital.

1.  Hemorrhoid pads/cream. We all know how fun that pregnancy/delivery bonus can be.

2.  Extra long, 'overnighter' maxi pads. You know, the kind that make you feel like you are riding a saddle, except you are not on a horse, you are sitting on the couch in your black stretchy pants.

3.  Stool softener.  Your friend may think it is gross, but she will be kissing your feet after she realizes she needs it. The post-delivery poo is no joke. Do not under emphasize the importance of the stool softener.

4.  Lanolin. The "girls" will need some extra TLC. Instruct her to start applying before the baby is born, and to bring it to the hospital if she is breastfeeding.

5.  Ingredients to make chocolate chip cookie dough. Every pregnant lady misses the goodness that is raw cookie dough.

6.  Her favorite form of caffeine.  She may think she will be caffeine free, but she will break at some point. If she has gone 9 months without it, she will be ready for it.

7.  iTunes gift card. She can download new games to play or shows to watch on her phone during those late night feedings.

8.  A giant water cup with a lid and a handle. If she is breastfeeding, she will be thirsty. If she isn't, she can put wine in it.

9.  Ponytail holders to pull back her, going on day 3, unwashed hair.

10.  Gift card to her favorite pizza delivery place.  Don't be stingy, put enough money on there so she can use it more than one time. Cooking?  Who has time to cook?

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A Few Parenting Milestones

A Few Parenting Milestones:

You arrive at work and realize there is dried poo under your thumbnail. You realize you prepared your breakfast and lunch with that poo thumb.

Your child makes an embarrassing comment about your body in a public place. For example yelling  “MOMMY! YOU HAVE A BIG HUGE BUM!” as loud as possible in the library bathroom. My aunt recalls a dressing room incident when she was trying on a bathing suit and my cousin says with astonishment and a little disgust, “Mom! What HAPPENED to your BODY?!” 

Your child makes an embarrassing comment about a stranger’s body. For example: “Not him, the tough one.” Luckily for us, she says ‘tough’ (for now) when she means big or plump, so only we know she is insulting someone’s size.

You clean up vomit in a public place with every used tissue and crinkled up napkin in your purse, and you don’t dry heave or vomit yourself while doing so.

You stick your baby’s pacifier in your own mouth to clean it off because you are not near any water source to clean it. This also applies to sippy cups.

You are disgusted by the tacky, sticky film covering restaurant high chairs. Really, do they ever clean those things?

You plan road trip pit stops based on which gas stations/fast food restaurants have a changing table in the bathroom. (I am still shocked at how many places are lacking changing tables.)

You crawl/roll out of your sleeping child’s room with ninja-like stealth.

You cry when you knock over the 3 ounces of breast milk you just spent thirty minutes pumping.  You get angry when your husband doesn’t understand that it IS a big deal.

You are forced to make a split-second decision on naming anatomy during bath time. Example: The child stands up grabbing his penis and questions “Bum? Bum?”  You have two seconds to make the wiener/penis/whatever you are going to call it decision. You had no idea it would happen RIGHT NOW, so you shout out your answer like a contestant on The Family Feud, “PENIS!” but there is no one behind you yelling “Good answer! Good answer!” there is just a naked toddler staring at you.

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