Tuesday, September 1, 2015

More Real Life Parenting Courses

Miami University's Upham arch (photo credit: me)

Just in time for back to school...more real life parenting courses I wish existed! You can see the original post here: Real Life College Courses for Parents

Foreign Language
Interpreting Your Child I:
This course is designed to prepare parents for the language development of your toddler/preschooler. Learn how to translate your toddler’s verbal gibberish and jumbled observations to persons outside of the individuals living in your home. This also includes interpreting a toddler’s physical demonstrations in lieu of words. For example: A child’s repeated kicking of the pantry door indicates his desire for yogurt covered raisins.

Interpreting Your Child II:
This course focuses on common mispronunciations of words and how to handle mispronunciations in public. You will learn how to correct the child in a public place by conveying the proper amount of embarrassment while containing your own fit of giggles. Some examples we will explore are:

“How many people fit in a Vulva (Volvo)?”
“Look at my fuh-kers (freckles).”
“I see a manscaper (landscaper)!”

Human Anatomy
Gross Anatomy in the Public Setting:
From questions like “Do you still have milk in your nipples?” to “Daddy, why does your penis have a hole in it?” we highlight common anatomy questions that are often asked loudly by young children in public bathrooms and restaurants.

Life Skills
The Mathematics of Reality Time Management:
This course will concentrate on time management mathematics. We will teach you how to calculate the ratio of time needed to prepare for an outing with your children versus the actual duration of a child’s enjoyment at the event. For example: If it takes one hour to gather towels, dress in swimsuits, prepare snacks, fill water bottles, apply sunscreen and drive to the community splash park, the actual amount of time spent outside in the water prior to your child expressing that they are “over it” is less than or equal to twenty minutes.

Physical Education
The Human Jungle Gym:
Weight training, stretching, and self-defense are the primary objectives of this course. At the end of this class, you will be able to withstand the physicality of 1 to 3 small children simultaneously climbing on your back, legs, and neck, while protecting your vital organs and sensitive areas of your body.

Dexterity in Low Light Situations:
This boot camp style class is for new parents and parents-to-be.
The class is conducted in a low light setting, such as a room illuminated by one small nightlight. You will learn how to change a diaper, strip and replace soiled bedding, dispense medication, and most importantly, fasten the snaps of a sleeper correctly, in minimal light. Don’t get discouraged by these requirements. Remember, if surgeons can operate in the middle of the night, after working a twelve hour shift, you CAN close those snaps in the correct order!