Thursday, August 28, 2014

A Few Parenting Milestones

A Few Parenting Milestones:

You arrive at work and realize there is dried poo under your thumbnail. You realize you prepared your breakfast and lunch with that poo thumb.

Your child makes an embarrassing comment about your body in a public place. For example yelling  “MOMMY! YOU HAVE A BIG HUGE BUM!” as loud as possible in the library bathroom. My aunt recalls a dressing room incident when she was trying on a bathing suit and my cousin says with astonishment and a little disgust, “Mom! What HAPPENED to your BODY?!” 

Your child makes an embarrassing comment about a stranger’s body. For example: “Not him, the tough one.” Luckily for us, she says ‘tough’ (for now) when she means big or plump, so only we know she is insulting someone’s size.

You clean up vomit in a public place with every used tissue and crinkled up napkin in your purse, and you don’t dry heave or vomit yourself while doing so.

You stick your baby’s pacifier in your own mouth to clean it off because you are not near any water source to clean it. This also applies to sippy cups.

You are disgusted by the tacky, sticky film covering restaurant high chairs. Really, do they ever clean those things?

You plan road trip pit stops based on which gas stations/fast food restaurants have a changing table in the bathroom. (I am still shocked at how many places are lacking changing tables.)

You crawl/roll out of your sleeping child’s room with ninja-like stealth.

You cry when you knock over the 3 ounces of breast milk you just spent thirty minutes pumping.  You get angry when your husband doesn’t understand that it IS a big deal.

You are forced to make a split-second decision on naming anatomy during bath time. Example: The child stands up grabbing his penis and questions “Bum? Bum?”  You have two seconds to make the wiener/penis/whatever you are going to call it decision. You had no idea it would happen RIGHT NOW, so you shout out your answer like a contestant on The Family Feud, “PENIS!” but there is no one behind you yelling “Good answer! Good answer!” there is just a naked toddler staring at you.


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