Wednesday, September 24, 2014

5 Things I Never Thought I Would Become as a Parent

1. Sick...all of the time
The first year that my daughter was in daycare she got sick a lot.  Everyone said "With all of those immunities she is building up, she will never miss a day of Kindergarten." (P.S. That isn't really reassuring when you are a first time mom and have a sick baby). I hope it really is true, but what about me?  My husband and I got every sniffle, every cough, and every stomach bug that she brought home. No one prepared me for the fact that WE would get sick. Someone in our house was sick, I swear, for 8 months straight. To top it off, I had to use all of my sick time as part of my maternity leave. It was so stressful!

2. Injured by my own baby
Have you ever taken a board book to the brow bone? It does not feel good.  Picture this: Cuddling in bed early one Saturday morning with your sweet baby. You are reading Goodnight Moon because it was still on your nightstand from the previous evening, and it is just so precious because baby wants to hold the book too. "Goodnight kittens, and goodnight mitt..."  Out of nowhere, that baby has Herculean strength and that chubby little hand slams the book into your eye.  You are temporarily blinded and try not to cry. The baby laughs.  I have also been the victim of head butts and razor sharp baby fingernails to the face. I will spare you the details of a biting incident that occurred while nursing my son when he was 9 months old and teething. Let's just say that it involved a lot of cursing, ice packs, and a trip to the lactation specialist.

4. Owner of a hole-filled wardrobe
I knew there would be spit-up stains. I didn't expect the holes. In ALL of my clothes. For the sake of this post, I surveyed my closet. I have 16 shirts hanging with holes in them. The holes are all in the same spot, where the button of my pants rubs my shirt. It has to be from carrying around a baby/toddler/pre-schooler in my arms. I am too stubborn (cheap?) to throw them all out.  I have also worn holes in the left knees of my two favorite pairs of jeans due to the constant up and down from the floor. I like to imagine that when someone sees me out in public they think "Oh, she must be in the middle of some home improvement project." That is what I look like, someone running out to Lowe's to buy more paint.

3. Fairy Tale editor
Here is just one example: Have you read the Pied Piper of Hamlin as an adult? It is should be narrated by Chris Hansen on an episode of "To Catch a Predator".  If you haven't read it lately, here is the gist: The Pied Piper gets cheated by a crooked town official. To get his revenge, he lures all of the town's children out of their homes with his hypnotic flute and STEALS them. He takes them away to a mountain and the town's people NEVER see their kids again.  I do not remember the mass kidnapping aspect of that story.  I thought he just rid the town of rats.  (Perhaps my parents omitted the end when it was read to me.)  When I read it to my daughter, the kids go on a hike and meet their parents at the mountain.

5. Just...gross
My personal hygiene standards have been lowered and I don't know how it happened.  Showering on BOTH days of the weekend is a thing of the past. It just doesn't take place. Do you want to know a way to spot a new mom? She is hairy. Check out her eyebrows, and her legs. Eyebrow maintenance gets put on the back burner. There are stray hairs growing where it used to be plucked clean.  Legs go unshaven in the summer longer than her former self would have ever let them, but she still wears shorts. I had an excuse when my son was a newborn, and I was insanely tired, but he is now one. Teeth brushing?  It still happens. Most days.


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